Monday Musings



Why do I Feel So Sad?

Let's just get serious for a little bit...

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Why, you ask, do I feel so sad?

You are probably thinking, she has a wonderful little family,

a really good career as a Licensed Practical Nurse,

she is talented with her sewing machine, etc...

How could she possibly feel sad?

Maybe it's all the little things that accumulate and cause me anxiety/stress...

Maybe it's being on a completely opposite schedule as my family...

Maybe it's because I have so few friends and never get to see them because I work nights...

Maybe it's because I need to have a proper outlet for stress and don't...

Maybe it's just something incredibly stupid...

I honestly don't know why I feel sad!

There are just days that I could stay in bed and cry all day and I don't even know why.

I spend more time feeling sad than I should, especially when I am home with my family.

I guess I just need to get to the bottom of it and fix whatever is broken.

Anyway, sorry I had to get serious on y'all.

It's only Tuesday and I am having a rough week already.

Don't worry, I have an appointment with my physician on Friday.

Hopefully he can help me get out of this "sadness ditch".

Life on a Train

Life is like a train ride.

We get on.

We get off.

We get back on and ride some more.

There are accidents and there are delays.

At certain stops there are surprises.

Some of these will translate into great moments of joy; some will result in profound sorrow.

When we are born and we first board the train, we meet people whom we think will be with us for the entire journey.

Those people are our parents!

Sadly, this is far from the truth.

Our parents are with us for as long as we need them.

They too have journeys they must complete.

We live on with the memories of their love, affection, friendship, guidance, and their ever presence.

There are others who board the train and who eventually become very important to us, in turn.

These people are our brothers, sisters, friends, and acquaintances.

Whom we will learn to love and cherish.

Some people consider their journey like a jaunty tour.

They will just go merrily along.

Others will encounter many upsets, tears, and losses on their journey.

Others still will linger on to offer a helping hand to anyone in need.

Some people on the train will leave an everlasting impression when they get off…….

Some will get on and off the train so quickly, they will scarcely leave a sign that they ever traveled along with you or ever crossed your path…..

We will sometimes be upset that some passengers whom we love will choose to sit in another compartment and leave us to travel on our own.

Then again, there’s nothing that says we can’t seek them out anyway.

Nevertheless, once sought out and found we may not even be able to sit next to them because that seat will already be taken.

That’s okay….

Everyone’s journey will be filled with hopes, dreams, challenges, setbacks, and good-byes.

We must strive to make the best of it….

No matter what………

We must constantly strive to understand our travel companions and look for the best in everyone.

Remember that at any moment during our journey, anyone of our travel companions can have a weak moment and be in need of our help.

We too may vacillate or hesitate, even trip.

Hopefully we can count on someone being there to be supportive and understanding……..

The bigger mystery of our journey is that we don’t know when our last stop will come.

Neither do we know when our travel companions will make their last stop.

Not even those sitting in the seat next to us.

Personally, I know I’ll be sad to come to my final stop…..

I am sure of it!

My separation from all those friends and acquaintances I made during the train ride will be painful. Leaving all those I’m close to will be a sad thing.

But then again, I’m certain that one day I’ll get to the main station only to meet up with everyone else. They’ll all be carrying their baggage…

most of which they didn’t have when they first got on this train.

I’ll be glad to see them again. I’ll be glad to have contributed to their baggage….

And to have enriched their lives, just as much as they will have contributed to my baggage and enriched my life.

We’re all on this train ride together.

Above all, we should try to strive to make the ride as pleasant and memorable as we can, right up until we each make the final stop and leave the train for the last time.

All aboard. Safe journey!!

~Author Unknown

I'm Me and Nobody Else...

I'm not beautiful or gorgeous.

I haven't got an amazing figure or flat stomach.

I'm far from being considered model material but I'm me.

I eat junk food.

I love to wear my PJ's, socks, & no makeup around the house.

I'm random & crazy.

I don't pretend to be something I'm not.

I am who I am, love me or not.

What Are Your Fears?

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Okay, I want to get serious on you all today...

Have you ever really sat down and thought about what you fear the most?

This post was brought on by a dream that has been recurring over and over while I slumber.

Please bare with me as I describe this dream...actually NIGHTMARE!

My family and I are living in a lovely neighborhood with fabulous neighbors.

We have many close friends and as a family, we are very close.

One day, while I am out and about with my children, we come home.

We come home to nothing!

There is no house!

I call my husband. There is no answer!

Actually, there is a recording that the phone number doesn't exist!

I call my mom, my dad, my brother, everyone I can think of.

The same thing - the phone numbers DO NOT exist!

I begin to panic and frantically try to find pieces of our life as we knew it.

No birth certificates. No photographs. No marriage certificate.

There is nothing to prove that we have ever had a family!

At some point, I meet a person (man/woman - I have never seen a face or known a name).

Somehow this person believes me and the 4 of us go to the place that I remember growing up.

The house is there, but looks as though no one has lived in it for 20+ years.

We enter the home to look for clues to my life and my children's lives, but there is nothing!

Suddenly, the entire home is engulfed in flames like there is something there that we aren't supposed to find. We all get out, but it is cold and I run back into the house to get the coats.

As I come out of the house, I wake up. Never knowing why all of this has happened.

In 8 years, I have not been able to remember a dream after I wake from sleeping. All of a sudden I begin having this frightening dream night after night. I don't like to think about it, because it makes me sad.

What could it mean?

Maybe by writing out my fears it will help me release the fear caused by this dream and make it stop.

Here they are...

1. Being forgotten
2. Not being loved
3. Failure
4. Being hurt - physically or emotionally by anyone
5. Diseases that have no cure
6. Electrical and Thunder storms
7. Stupid Careless Drivers
8. Bed-bugs (there is a story behind this)
9. Locking the keys in my car in the middle of no-where!

Dirty Little Secrets...Revised...

Remember this post.
Apparently, all I had to do was admit some of those "little secrets" to actually change them.

About a week after I posted it,
1. I started making the bed every day.
2. I now wash my face nearly every night.

Oh, and the weekend shower thing,

3. I shower every day on the weekend now too!

Everything else is still the same though!
I gotta have some "dirty little secrets"!

Legend of the Butterfly

Legend of the Butterfly

Once as a child many years ago...
on a balmy summer's eve.
I sat in the yard at my Mother's side...
and a butterfly lit at my sleeve.

"It's a sign of good luck", my Mother said.
As the butterfly stayed at my arm...
"It's a symbol of all the beauty in life.
Make sure you do it no harm."

First butterflies are eggs and after they hatch...
they see that their life's just beginning.
They're content with their lot in life,
so, they go out on a limb and start spinning.

They stay out awhile in a magic cocoon....
then emerge like flowers in spring.
Then they share the story of their victory and success...
through each of the colors of their wings.

The gold in their wings is the"Golden Rule"...
To follow that is a must.
The blue....That means true blue.
Always be someone people can trust.

The green of the tip of their wing
is saying Stay green, and you'll always grow.
The silver is the lining in the clouds of doubt...
that you must look for as you go through life.

Butterflies bend with the wind, it's true.
Still they get where they want to go.
They arrive by persistence through their own insistence...
A lesson more people should know.

Sought and valued by the whole human race...
For their beauty, tenacity and charm.
If a butterfly ever chances to stay at your sleeve...
remember, my friend, don't fight it, but,
learn all you can from the butterfly clan.
And you too, may become a rare item.

~Author Unknown

Some days, I look at my life and imagine it to be similar to the flight of a butterfly.

An erratic path to no where in particular, but a path that has been designed just for me...

A path that has lead me to where I am now, and will continue to lead me the rest of my life.

Weakness...

I was just thinking about my personal weaknesses last night at work and I found these photos on weheartit.com. I think they cover my weaknesses better than any words I could ever write.



Tangled?

Nope, but I got your attention!

Under normal circumstances, I absolutely LOVE my hair, but sadly that so-called love has slightly diminished.  I have recently made the decision to grow out my hair from a "short" cut.  Sadly, it is at a stage that I hate!  That in-between stage...  I can't pull it back into a pony tail, yet I cannot style it the way I would prefer to.  Growing out shorter hair is truely a pain-in-the-neck!

This is how long it was before I got it cut.

Now, I am anxious to grow it out even longer than that.

The waiting part is what I H-A-T-E the most!

Long, silky, smooth hair...

Reflecting...

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You all know I have been doing some self-reflecting recently. I have come to the conclusion that I shouldn't have to change myself because some asshole at work was trying to hit on me and hinting toward other things. I didn't do anything to provoke or ask for his attention! I am who I am and I like me...yes, I am still working on the loving myself, but that will take some time.

I do however need to get some toughness built up behind the kind heart that everyone has been telling me I have. My "thing" is being nice, understanding, and kind-hearted. I don't wanna be friends with everyone, but I pride myself in getting along with nearly everyone I meet. Maybe that is what made me a "target" for this jerk-off at work? I pride myself on being a genuine individual, so I am assuming that made me someone that he wanted to "get to know" on a personal level that I was not willing to stoop down to. Sure, as I said before, I am not a strong person on the inside, but I try to portray myself as being strong on the outside. Again-I am just making assumptions here-that may have been a "turn on" to him. So disgusting!

What is the point of changing who I am? If I am going to make changes, it is not going to be due to some crap-head that wants to screw every woman he meets! I am going to make changes to myself for #1...ME!

As I said before, I am making a few physical changes...who doesn't every now and again. I decided just after Christmas that I was tired of maintaining short hair, so I figured I would start growing my hair out again. As far as my make-up, I enjoy looking nice, but there are occasions for being "dressed up" and then there is the "every day" look. I just need to refine how I want my outward appearance on a daily basis. The only person I need to impress is my husband. He is the one who I get dressed up for, the one I WANT to look good for... If other people look at me, that's great, but that is not my goal. The one person that I want to keep eyes on me is my husband. His opinion is what matters most to me!

My inner strength and self-confidence just need a boost, but as I look deeply into my heart and soul, my family and friends already know who I am and I know I DO NOT need to change for them. I don't need to change for complete strangers either! If I look confident to them for the short time that they see me, who cares! All my life I have cared about what other people think of me. It is time for me to change that way of thinking!

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There you have it...I will always be reflecting on myself, but when it comes down to it...when I make changes, they are ultimately because I want them to be made! I want to love me for those change,s not regret them.

Self-Reflecting on Image...



image from weheartit.com

The last two weeks have been a little stressful.  Not due to my everyday life, but to to an issue that I had to report at work.  Because of all of this stress, my body finally decided to get pay-back this weekend and I was sick; stuffy nose, yucky stuff in my throat, fever, cough.  I slept quite a bit this weekend and my hubby was so kind to allow me to sleep in.  I love him so much!!!

Yesterday, I was getting ready for work and took a good long look in the mirror.  It was at that moment I decided it was time to do a little bit of self-reflection.  Try to understand myself better and fall in love with myself.  I know it sounds kind of concieted or silly, but seriously, I try to portray myself as having a lot of self-confidence and that I have inner strength.  In reality though, I have very little of either of those things going for me. 

The first thing I decided I need to change is my outward appearance.  I don't feel that I am unatteractive or anything like that, I just looked at myself and wondered why it was me that had to have this happen at work.  Do I wear too much make-up?  Probably.  Do I try too hard to look my best at ALL times?  More than likely.  Am I really happy with my current look?  Not so much.  At that point, I decided to completely grow out my hair to get it as long as it will grow.  I thought about not coloring it, but I am way too young to accept that I have gray hair already, so I will keep coloring it.  I am going to attempt to go more minimal on my make-up.  Thought I would go with a more natural look instead of making my eyes and lips stand out.  My wardrobe for work is pretty minimal, SCRUBS, so I can't exactly change that, but maybe I won't be quite as worried about keeping up-to-date on current fashion trends.  I don't need to buy the most expensive things out there to be fashionable.  This will also give me a chance to work on some re-fashions that I see being done on so many of the blogs that I frequent.

Okay, that is the outward appearance that shows everyone that I am a strong, confident professional.  Hopefully some of those changes will keep the issue I had from ever happening again.

*I'd like to tell you about it, but not too sure I should discuss it on here.*

*Let's just say it has to do with a man not leaving me alone.*

This is all I can really discuss on my self-reflecting today.  I am still doing my internal self reflecting, but I will post more as I make decisions and changes to boost my self-confidence and inner strength. 

I hope I can be like so many of you and become a confident 30-ish year-old wife, mother, woman.  Maybe with help from all of you, I will be able to accomplish that this year.  I know it won't happen over night.

Hopefully you will all continue to support me as I go through these changes and I would love any "words of wisdom" or words of encouragement through this process of self-reflection and change.

Love all of you!

Hugs,

Beth